Post Colombia Disorientation

 I have returned from Colombia a different person.

I feel somehow detached from the reality that I left behind. When I left I knew that I was on a journey, both in reality and metaphorically. That I was out to do something that I had never done before; isolated myself from everything and everyone that I know.

The point of the journey is still somewhat unknown to me. It was an opportunity to just be completely in charge of my own destiny, to push myself out of my comfortable bubble that I have found in the village, to only have to think about myself for the first time in many years. It was all of these things but also none of them. I don't know why I felt that I needed to do it, I just did.

Now, being back, the world seems different to me. The same in how it looks and feels, but also alien. It is like I have been transported somewhere, then returned; it is like someone removed everything, and then replaced it exactly as it was.

The people I know, are still concerned with the same issues. The discussions in the pub are no different. Nothing has changed, except me. The urge to stand up and shout "look! I have been away on this incredible journey. And I have discovered so much about myself, but you are all exactly the same!".

Of course, that would be a ridiculously vain and self-centred thing to do. No one really cares where I have been and what I have done over the last few weeks. And why should they. Nothing that I have done has changed their world. Of course, they are interested that I have been away and want to know what it was like, but only in a superficial way. No different than if I had just been away at an all inclusive hotel in Tenerife. There is a feigned interest, but I understand that.

But why do I feel so out of synch with everything around me now? What has actually changed?

Well, I do think that I have learned that I have appreciated what it is like to just be alone. Not in a sad, depressive way, but just a lone soul in a new world. It was only when talking to Zoe today that I realised that I actually really loved the feeling of sitting alone and just being me. No pressures to conform or cater for the needs of others. No requirement to have a rationale for my choices; just following my instincts. This is a new experience for me. 

I am sure that this feeling will pass and I will return to the same old routine that I had before. The trip will become a memory and will fade into my subconsciousness. This is not some magical transformation, but an opening up of my consciousness to what is out there for me. Not only in the sense of travelling, but in the way that I exist in the world. 

I have made some important decisions about who I want to be in my life, and in what capacity. There are people who I consider to be friends but are, in reality, just people who are co-existing with me. The question is, do I need them? And if so, how do they fit into my life.

I have found it very difficult to speak to people since I have been back. Those who I previously would talk freely for hours about various things, now seem to me to be just fellow travellers on their own journeys. It feels like hard work maintaining conversations without having to feign interest in their lives, in the same way that they do with mine.

This disorientation, I am sure, will pass. But I know that something deep inside of me has shifted and I need to readjust and refocus my attention towards that which is important to me. 

I will allow my heart to guide the way on this, despite having decided that I need to be more rational about my decisions, and not allow others to tell me how I should be. I need to trust that my innermost self is essentially good and would not knowingly harm anyone. That I should move to a place where I can feel that freedom to be me; that the real me is still a good person and not selfish or self-centred.

I have a lot of living to do. I am not going to allow anyone to tell me how or what I should be doing or behaving. I trust myself to carry on being the person that I am; the person that I have learned to love. The rest of my life is an unwritten book. I just need to sharpen my pencil and get writing.