Post Colombia Disorientation

 I have returned from Colombia a different person.

I feel somehow detached from the reality that I left behind. When I left I knew that I was on a journey, both in reality and metaphorically. That I was out to do something that I had never done before; isolated myself from everything and everyone that I know.

The point of the journey is still somewhat unknown to me. It was an opportunity to just be completely in charge of my own destiny, to push myself out of my comfortable bubble that I have found in the village, to only have to think about myself for the first time in many years. It was all of these things but also none of them. I don't know why I felt that I needed to do it, I just did.

Now, being back, the world seems different to me. The same in how it looks and feels, but also alien. It is like I have been transported somewhere, then returned; it is like someone removed everything, and then replaced it exactly as it was.

The people I know, are still concerned with the same issues. The discussions in the pub are no different. Nothing has changed, except me. The urge to stand up and shout "look! I have been away on this incredible journey. And I have discovered so much about myself, but you are all exactly the same!".

Of course, that would be a ridiculously vain and self-centred thing to do. No one really cares where I have been and what I have done over the last few weeks. And why should they. Nothing that I have done has changed their world. Of course, they are interested that I have been away and want to know what it was like, but only in a superficial way. No different than if I had just been away at an all inclusive hotel in Tenerife. There is a feigned interest, but I understand that.

But why do I feel so out of synch with everything around me now? What has actually changed?

Well, I do think that I have learned that I have appreciated what it is like to just be alone. Not in a sad, depressive way, but just a lone soul in a new world. It was only when talking to Zoe today that I realised that I actually really loved the feeling of sitting alone and just being me. No pressures to conform or cater for the needs of others. No requirement to have a rationale for my choices; just following my instincts. This is a new experience for me. 

I am sure that this feeling will pass and I will return to the same old routine that I had before. The trip will become a memory and will fade into my subconsciousness. This is not some magical transformation, but an opening up of my consciousness to what is out there for me. Not only in the sense of travelling, but in the way that I exist in the world. 

I have made some important decisions about who I want to be in my life, and in what capacity. There are people who I consider to be friends but are, in reality, just people who are co-existing with me. The question is, do I need them? And if so, how do they fit into my life.

I have found it very difficult to speak to people since I have been back. Those who I previously would talk freely for hours about various things, now seem to me to be just fellow travellers on their own journeys. It feels like hard work maintaining conversations without having to feign interest in their lives, in the same way that they do with mine.

This disorientation, I am sure, will pass. But I know that something deep inside of me has shifted and I need to readjust and refocus my attention towards that which is important to me. 

I will allow my heart to guide the way on this, despite having decided that I need to be more rational about my decisions, and not allow others to tell me how I should be. I need to trust that my innermost self is essentially good and would not knowingly harm anyone. That I should move to a place where I can feel that freedom to be me; that the real me is still a good person and not selfish or self-centred.

I have a lot of living to do. I am not going to allow anyone to tell me how or what I should be doing or behaving. I trust myself to carry on being the person that I am; the person that I have learned to love. The rest of my life is an unwritten book. I just need to sharpen my pencil and get writing.

Colombian reflection

 As I near the end of my Colombian journey, I have been reflecting on what it has all meant to me.

There has been so much planning over the last few years that sometimes I think that I might have lost track of why I wanted to do it at all. A few people from home, and during the trip itself, have asked me why I wanted to come to Colombia. It has always been difficult to really explain it to myself, let alone other people. I suppose I wanted the challenge: of being alone in an unknown country all by myself; learning to really be independant and not relying on others for direction; to just have the freedom to make my own decisions every day about what I want to do, and where I want to go; to step out of the comfort of the familiar and into a strange new world; to see some amazing things.

The money spent would have got me an all inclusive in somewhere like the canary islands, but that is not the point. It is not about how much I wanted to spend, it has all been about new experiences and testing myself. I have succeeded on all counts. This trip has allowed me to really stop and reset my mindset. For a while I have been somewhat directionless; just drifting along and not really caring too much about the future. I have been bent to the will of others (through my own doing, not through any coercion or malice). What I have discovered is that I can be alone and that I don't have to change anything about myself, unless I choose to. There were two words written on the window in red paint at the hostel room where I stayed in Villa de Leyva. They simply said "Eres sufficiente", you are enough. For some reason, this seemed like a timely and important message, almost as though the words were put there especially for me. I like to have other people in my life, but I don't need them. I am a worthy and good person; I don't need to change or feel inadequate just because someone else says so.

So, what have I discovered in these past few weeks? That I can allow myself to be happy and just enjoy what is left of the rest of my life.

logical song

"There are times, when all the world's asleep, when questions run so deep, for such a simple man.

Can you please, please tell me what I've learned, I know it sounds absurd, please tell me who I am"

Quite possibly, the most poignant and relevant words ever written.

It's funny, these lyrics have expressed how I feel much more than I ever could.

Taylor Swift has made her millions (billions even) from writing songs that appeal to the angst of her teenage fanbase. I guess that music does have that ability to speak to us in ways that other media doesn't. It holds up a mirror to our feelings and we relate to them in a way that makes it feel like we are the only person that really understands their true meaning. They are like subtitles to our own lives.

I often will find myself with a specific song going around and around in my head. And when I stop and think about what the words of that song are, they seem to summarise whatever I am feeling at the time. 

It's not fate, magic or even co-incidence, it is just my brain using the words of others to synthesise all the different thoughts and emotions that are flash-mobbing in my head at the time.

I love music for this.

Colombia prologue 2

Limited time in a massive country means that some decisions have to be made:

Decision 1- Am I ever likely to visit again?

This is important to establish at the beginning of the plan as you don't then have to cram everything in. There are so many places to potentially visit, one trip is never enough. This is the same wherever you go.

The problem is, you have no way of knowing you'll ever get the chance to go again. As a result of this, you have to decide what you see now, and what you leave for another time. And, should you never visit again, would you be upset that you forget to see certain things.

I hope to visit again (assuming I enjoy this trip). So pressure is off for trying to see it all.

Decision 2- What are you hoping to achieve from your visit?

Are you going for relaxation, sight-seeing or something else?

Of course, subsequent visits might have a different agenda. So priorities might change.

This is a complex question. I want to get a sense of the country, a feeling for it's history, I want to have time by myself to really reflect on everything. I am not going to say that I want to 'find myself' like you hear gap-year trusterfarians say all the time. I know who I am, I like who I am, and I just want to spend time with me being who I am.

This rules out time spent in cities; I prefer the opportunity to be away from the madness and spend time in places were life is slower. Those are the places were I am most at peace.

Decision 3- what proportion of my time do I want to spend travelling about?

Well, I guess this depends on the mode of transport. In an airplane, you spend less time travelling but don't see much of the country close up. Alternatively, going by bus means you get to see more of the country but spend more time travelling.

Given that some journeys by bus can be over 15 hours, it is likely that I might have to take at least 1 internal flight. Possibly between Bogotá and Santa Marta. Not sure what my route is yet, so this is going to need some thought.

Planning this trip has plenty of decisions yet to be made.

Colombia prologue 1

Colombia 2025- Prologue 1

Flights booked and the first 4 day's accomodation sorted.

LIke most people during lock down, I had plenty of time on my hands. Even though I was still working from home, the rest of the time was spent entirely alone.
It's in those times that your mind starts to consider all of those things that you would be doing if you weren't confined to your own home. So, thinking about being anywhere in the world other than where you currently are, starts to dominate your thoughts.

Just prior to lockdown, I had spent 4 days in Madrid. It was a completely spontaneous trip. I woke up one morning and was thinking about places that I had always wanted to visit but, for whatever reason, had not been able to. I had the money, I had the time, so why not?
I got up, sat at the desk in my dressing gown, and before I'd even finished my first coffee of the day, I had booked flights, parking and accomodation for the following weekend.

I had no idea how I'd get from the airport to the hotel but figured that I would just work something out when I got there. A solid plan.

There was something joyous about the spontenaity of this trip that triggered a feeling of independence and excitement. It was a fantastic trip, I visited El Museo del Prado, Puerto del Sol, Plaza Mayor and numerous cafe's, restaurants and bars. I walked for miles.

On my return I was eager to repeat this process so I began to plan a month-long trip to South America. I had seen a documentary about Colombia on the TV and was fascinated about the country, it's biodiversity, its people and its history. With a bit of research and watching a few videos from travel bloggers I decided that this would be the place to go.

Then lockdown hit.

The general feeling at the time was that this was all going to temporary and that we would all return to our normal lives in a matter of weeks. So, I booked flights for the end of the academic year May/June and started to plan.

Covid-19 hit South America some time after Europe, but when it did, it hit hard. The poverty in many parts of the country meant that people were literally starving. The Government of the time did little to help those most in need. Crime rocketed, riots broke out and the military were walking the streets with guns and were prepared to shoot anyone who broke the curfew. And in one famous case, they did. This led to riots, police stations being set on fire, looting; things got ugly pretty quick. Someone on a Colombian forum described this as a fairly common reaction in a country that's had more than it's fair share of conflict. I started to have some thoughts about the wisdom of visiting this country, but I wasn't deterred.

Unsurprisingly, my flights were cancelled and I was offered the chance to defer them for 6 months. I opted for September. Surely, all would be back to normal by then?
No. The flights were subsequently cancelled as all international flights were stopped indefinitely.

I had spent much of the summer planning a perfect itinery that would take in Bogota, Villa de Leyva, Guadalupe, Bucaramanga, Cartagena, Santa Marta, Tayrona National Park, a 6 day trek to Ciudad Perdida, Medellin, Cali. 

It would be a year later before international travel was opened up again, and some time after that before the major airlines re-opened flights from London to Bogota. The plan went onto the shelf and has stayed there ever since.

It is now February 2025. I have booked flights for an abridged version of the original plan (2.5 weeks instead of 4.5). My itinery has been reduced to accomodate the shorter duration at the expense of the 6 day trek, Guadalupe and Cali. I have, however, included a new destination, Salento. There is a lot to cram in, and I don't want this to become a trip where I am constantly travelling and only spending a short amount of time in each place. I want to immerse myself as much as possible in the country and not just be a tourist.

I will only spend enough time in Bogota to recover from the journey and take in a short tour of La Candelaria area (where I will be staying). I will then get on a bus for a 3 to 4 hour journey North to Villa de Leyva. Here I will be staying for 2 nights in a hostel on the outskirts of the town, with views of the mountains and countryside. 

That is as far as I have got so far.

You can go your own way

 Commiting your ideas to posts such as these takes discipline. I have clearly been somewhat undisciplined in writing down my thoughts for about 5 years. That is not to say that I haven't been thinking about anything of interest, or worthy of posting to my blog. It's just that somehow i've not seen the point.

In my previous post (from 2019) I alluded to a massive departure in my life and the promise of exploring new territory. This has been my life for the last 5 years. I am not going to summarise what has happened, where it happened, or who has been involved. It is an assumption that, if you are reading this, one of two possibilities exist. 1) you know me well enough to know what has happened in my life, or 2) you are me, reading back over my life.

A long anticipated, planned for, and subsequently cancelled on two occasions, journey is very likely to be taking place this year. Now, given that this plan has failed twice before, I am being realistic about the possibility that life will throw me another curve-ball and the plan will be put back on the shelf to reside with other unfulfilled dreams.

Perhaps it is because I am about to turn 60 that I have decided to look again at those plans; to stop pretending that I have an unlimited amount of life ahead of me in which to achieve all of the things that I have been delaying for a later time. Also, having recently spent some time in South Korea, my love of travelling and exploring new places has been re-kindled.

Again, my last post clearly shows my enthusiasm for going off-pieste and not just fumbling along on a predictable path. Being out of my comfort zone does bring a certain excitement in me. Knowing that I have to negotiate challenges along the way is quite liberating. I am not one for making very specific plans; I like to have a rough idea of what I am doing and then just making it work somehow.

Flying solo is fun. Being the master of your own destiny and not having to accomodate the needs and wishes of others gives you a profound sense of who you actually are. There is a lot of talk about finding your 'authentic self' in the popular psychological and self-help texts these days. I was writing about this in my thesis nearly a decade ago, but it is nice to know that the rest of the world is now waking up to the idea that the person you actually are, and the person that is presented to the world are not necessarily the same thing. When you are faced with challenges and there is no one else around to fall back on, you are left with your own individual means with which to create solutions. In fact, the goal of the solution itself is a reflection of your own deep motivations and goals. What is valuable to you is not always compatible with the values of others.

I value being independent of others, of trusting my own instincts, and finding my own way. 

This is not to say that I don't enjoy the company of others, I do. I have some wonderful friends in my life and to be with them is a joy. But the times when I feel most contented are those when I can just enjoy my own company.

So, this year I will start blowing the dust off of those long forgotten dreams and will see about how I might bring them to life.

Darkness on the edge of town

You find great people in unexpected places. If you have the chance just talk to people you meet, ask them about their lives, and try to understand where they come from, and why they might think the way they do, you learn a lot about life.
As I sat at the bar and took my first wonderful mouthful of cold beer on a long hard work day, when the temperature reached 32 degrees, I looked across at the gentleman standing next to me. He was leafing through the newspaper in a way that clearly implied that he wasn't really taking any of it in. He was lost on his own thoughts.
It's worth noting that I knew this person from previous visits to the pub. His name was Gordon, an Irish man who did residential building work. He had told me that he was just waiting for a time when he could retire and start living life again. He is a grafter, one of the many people that do the jobs that most of us take for granted.
Sometimes, men in pubs want to talk, other times, they just want a bit of private space. To invade on that space is a faux pas of the highest order; you have to know when, and when not, to try and start a conversion. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, men are far more complicated than most women pretend to be. Maybe that comes from me having been in a predominantly female workforce for more than a quarter of a century. But I truly believe it holds true. Women wear their hearts on their sleeves, men don't. You have to know a man to have him open up to you. With women, you only have to ask what's on their mind, and soon they are revealing deep secrets about their lives.
"are you OK Gordon? You seem quiet tonight" I enquired. He looked up and said, in his thick southern Irish accent, "ah, its been a day. Too hot to do all the stuff I've been planning to do. Now I'm worried that this job is going to fall behind". He went on to explain that his carefully made plans would be thrown to the wind if we had another hot day like today. Apparently, really hot weather is very bad if you are doing anything with mortar. I nodded to him as if I knew why. 

Our subsequent conversation covered a range of topics: University education, mental health problems, dementia, euthanasia, and quality of life.

We shared our respective work-related stressors. Soon, it was apparent that we shared a lot of similar attitudes about the value that is placed of various jobs. The thing is, we, as a society, place arbitrary values on the importance of different work roles. Being a lawyer, sportsperson, doctor or businessman, appears to gain you a sense of importance, as opposed to someone who goes to your house and clears out your blocked drains. Whereas, the actual contribution to the lives of the affected people is pretty much the same.

The goodness of a person is not denoted by the size of their salary. We all know that there are many people who command huge salaries for doing, well pretty much nothing. It is the people who get up early in the morning to do tough demanding jobs, that no one else ever aspires to, that really keep the country running. They drive the buses, clean the offices, sweep the streets, and take away our rubbish.

Ok so that might sound like a load of communist/socialist nonsense, but stick with me here. I am not concerned with what people do for a living. This is all about what kind of people we are.

In my time, I have met some amazing people, I have also met some really quite terrible people too.

I have noted that there is no correlation between the earnings of an individual and the kind of person they actually are.

Lets put this in to context. There are far more poor people in this country than there are rich people. And yet, our attention is always focused on those who appear to have amassed the greatest amount of wealth, popularity, and material possessions. Moreover, those who have very little are often portrayed as undeserving, feckless, lazy or, even worse, a drain on society.

Our conversation about education uncovered that he was one of the top pupils in his class. He had passed his 11+ exam which earned him the right to go to a grammar school. However, life threw him a swerve ball. His mother became sick and needed a lot of help at home. Being the oldest of the children, and having a father that had to work away from home a lot of the time, it was left to him to be her primary carer.

Having missed his chance to go onto further education, he gained an apprenticeship so that he could learn a trade, and bring in some much needed money to the household.

When the family made the move from Ireland to Chiswick (at the time it was not the domain of the super rich that it is now), he quickly gained employment in the building trade. In which, he still works to this day.

We shared a lot of similar opinions about life. We talked at length about life being about quality, and not quantity. We soon recognised a lot of shared beliefs about the inequity of life, and the beauty of just being alive.

The pub was hot, too hot. I decided to walk outside to get some fresh air and cool off a bit.

Looking around me, I saw a glimpse of other lives. Across the road, a women stood at the window of a run down flat. A small child appeared at the window and waved at me. I waved back.

The mother ushered the child away, saying something that I could not hear but most likely something along the lines of "don't wave at strangers". Parental responsibility to keep a child safe is ubiquitous. A good parent in a bad place, I thought. 

The sun had gone down and yet the heat was still radiating from the walls and pavements. It had been a hot day and the earth was not yet ready to surrender its heat to the night. I stayed outside for a while watching people walk by and wondering what life was like for them. What were their dreams, aspirations and fears?

We are taught to think that those who are successful in life shine brightly. But with light, comes shadow. The brightness of the wealthy and successful (by whatever arbitrary measure you want to use) cast long shadows across a city. In the darkness are people. People who live on the periphery of society. They go to work, pay their taxes, provide for their families as best they can, but do so without fanfare or recognition. they operate in the shadows, and yet they make up the larger part of the population.

In the darkness there are some amazing people. They won't ever make the Forbes top 100 rich list, but nevertheless, they will do their best to make their life be all about quality, not quantity.